The Bachelorette 12: Week 5 Recap

Disclaimer: Everything down below are my personal opinions. I'm in no way affiliated with any corporation, especially The Bachelorette or ABC.

*Week One Recap here if you need a refresher!

*Week Two Recap here if you need a refresher!

*Week Three, Part One Recap here if you need a refresher!

*Week Three, Part Two/Week Four Part One Recap here if you need a refresher!

I feel like after watching the first season of UnReal, I know how The Bachelor franchise works. You can turn just about anything into a jam packed, wickedly entertaining promo. Two weeks ago when the episode ended with Chad at the door I was so ready to watch this week expected at least twenty minutes of of banter cumulating in some type of physical fight but nope. We got five minutes of Chad, an hour of nothing, and 45 minutes turning Jordan and Derek into the new punching bags of the season but don't worry, we're gonna break in down.

WEEK FOUR, Pt. 2:

The episode begins as expected, everyone is toasting to getting rid of Chad. They even throw his ashes (his protein powder) into the woods and lay him to rest. But obviously he's not resting, he's pacing back and forth at the door waiting for someone to let him in. It's his best bud Daniel who opens the door up, while eating a bowl of Canadian chowder (?). Jordan takes control of the situation and offers up an apology to Chad on behalf of everyone and Chad takes the opportunity to once again tell everyone that he's going to do whatever he wants with no apologies and no regrets. Also Evan asks for his wallet because he still owes him a shirt. And on that note, everyone leaves the room and Chadageddon is official over.

I have to say, from the perspective of a trash lover, I'm incredibly sad to see Chad go. He was really entertaining but I think he was there just to be a troll. He was there purely to cause trouble and get on television. If I was Chad, I would have apologized to them (fakely, of course) and continued to play mind games with them and just torment them a little longer. Every night, I would cut a little bit of Evan's hair off to the point where he was not only balding in the back (which he is currently) but making him believe he was balding in the front. For Luke, I would have traced his worry lines on his forehead (but you don't really have to because they are now a permanent wrinkle on his forehead) and for Jordan I probably would have drawn on the rest of his face because homie just looks half baked. I just feel as if his face wasn't finished cooking in the oven and it needs a little bit more time to get ready. Whatever, Chad's gonna be on Bachelor in Paradise so I'm honestly good. Y'all could have had him in a little longer than 6 minutes, though.

Also I wanted Alex to lose the date just because I hate seeing him happy.

"Are you that broke?" - Gonna miss you Chad!

COCKTAIL PARTY:

Uh, trash. Chase and Jojo have a bubble ball smack down, Alex opened his mouth, James F (I think?) wrote her a poem, Daniel was extremely uncomfortable and Luke was a complete creep, basically calling her food when he told the group of guys to go over and talk to her before he went for seconds. Luke (and Alex, for that matter) didn't even need firsts.They already have roses so the fact that they're being cocky, in addition to stealing time away from other guys with her, is beyond me. It's ironic that the actual competition is starting to begin at this moment right after Chad left. It's like they were so threatened by him that they needed to get him out before they could start making moves on her and treating the show like a competition. Before this they were acting like they were all friends (because Wells made a good point, they had a common enemy) but now that the one guy who treated the show like an actual competition is gone, they're starting to also treat it like a competition show. It's ironic, trashy and hilarious. Oh and Jordan, like, pulls Jojo to the said and just starts making out with her. He just goes in for the glory. And Jojo's just like "oh, haha, omg Jordan stop!!! Mmmmm"

Rose ceremony:
1) Luke

2) Jordan

3) Alex

4) Derek

5) Robby

6) Chase

7) Wells

8) Grant

9) Vinny

10) James T.

11) Evan (Lol, why)

So the poem dude goes home (I couldn't care less, he just sat there in the background the entire season I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who knows his name) and the Canadian! I'm sad Daniel's leaving but it was obvious because they never showed him spending any time with Jojo. He seemed more in love with Chad that Jojo.

WEEK 5:

The guys show up in Uraguay (or Uragu-I, depending on who said it) where they show up to the hotel and have a "360 degree" view of the ocean [Evan]... even though the ocean in only on one side of the window. I'm so glad he's in erectile dysfunction sales and not an accountant, that math was awful.

ONE-ON-ONE DATE:

Jordan gets the one on one. Shocker. Not saying that because I don't like him but because he's the obvious front runner. And Jojo really, really likes him. When everyone told her that Chad was bullying Evan she was like "lol, okay" but the second Alex told her he was messing with Jordan she was like "nope, gotta get this meat head out the way." Aside from the fact he gets clear favoritism, I don't know what everyone was talking about when they were trying to come for Jordan. His intention seems fine, Jojo is comfortable around him and I haven't seen him do anything malicious to anyone else in the house ever. He may have done something malicious to everyone watching the show by giving us a boring date but that's neither here nor there. He got a rose, though. And that business about his ex, I really don't care. People grow and change maybe he's a different person now. Until I see him act out I won't have an issue with him, aside from the whole he needs 30 more minutes in the oven thing. 

Speaking of exes, there was this whole scandal involving Jojo's ex talking shit about how she's still in love with him and she's only The Bachelorette because she's trying to get over him and junk. First off all, are the guys even allowed outside entertainment stuff? It's really ironic that this same exact thing (the contestants receiving outside gossip news) happened on Unreal last season. I'm pretty sure it was the same storyline involving an ex as well. The producers are playing some type of game here but it didn't work on anyone except Jojo. Because while Jojo was balling and flooding the imaginary basement with her imaginary tears, the guys really didn't care.

GROUP DATE:

Luke, the 90210 reject. Derek, lol idk. Chase, the one who isn't Robby. Evan, erectile dysfunction. James, the singer who broke his face playing football. Vinny, the Italian. Grant, the only black one left. Well, the one who passed out during the firefighter exercise. And Alex, the angry dwarf. They go sand surfing, and, yeah. They go back for the mini cocktail party (I don't know what those things are called after the date). Luke and her talk, I don't care. 

Derek. Is. Jubilee. I'm calling it now. He's a little more insecure and closed off than the rest of the guys and feels as if his relationship with Jojo hasn't been building in the same way that the other guys' have. I relate to the way he feels which is why this episode/moment really made me turn to his side especially when the other guys (such as Alex, R...well, literally Alex was pissing me off) started turning against him. Alex called him a bitch (twice), went on a rant about how much he hates the fact that he's insecure and it really just brought out Alex' true colors. If he doesn't have someone to constantly rip on and talk trash about then it's as if it makes him uncomfortable. He can't just sit down and focus on his own relationship it's always about the fact that someone other than him is doing something wrong and that's why I never liked him and never will and I can't wait until he goes home. I am so sick of hearing his voice and seeing his pointy little nose. Derek gets the rose (yay) and everyone gets pissed off because Jojo gave it to him for his "reassurance".

ONE-ON-ONE DATE:

Robby got it, I really don't care, his hairline still looks like half of a circle to me. That's the most significant thing about him. They jump off of a rock into the water then when they go out for dinner he tells her that he's in love with her. And she just goes "thanks!" Then they go out and kiss with fireworks after he gets the rose. Cool.

COCKTAIL PARTY:

Back at the house before the cocktail party, Derek pulls out Alex, Jordan, Robby and Chase to confront them for talking shit about him. I don't get why everyone thinks it was disrespectful for him to try and talk to them before the cocktail party. Jojo isn't there and he wants to squash the beef so everything is out and clear in the open so they can focus on Jojo when the cocktail party begun. Just another way for them to target someone and it's really rude and idiotic. Even ruder and more idiotic? Everything about Alex. Instead of at least fake apologizing, ala Jordan ("I'm sorry if you felt some type of way..." Sorry, but I'm sorry "if" you felt some type of way isn't an apology because obviously he did feel a type of way because he felt the need to confront you about this but at least he attempted to make an apology). HAHA, BUT NO COCKTAIL PARTY! DRAMA OMG SO DRAMATIC! :| 

Rose ceremony:
1) Jordan

2) Derek

3) Robby

4) Luke (Barf)

5) Chase

6) Alex (Brb, throwing myself down the stairs)

7) James

8) Wells

I am so happy Evan is gone, he was draining every ounce of energy I had left in this season. Vinny, I don't really care but it was fun to have an emotional Italian around. And I couldn't care less about Grant but, shocker, another person of color isn't going to win the show. Shocker.

EPISODE GRADE: B

Still salty Chad was on screen less than the length of an episode of Regular Show. Alex is trash. I'm rooting for Derek, I'm conflicted about my feelings for Jordan, Luke needs to go to a smiling class, Robby's hairline is still shocking to me and Chase and Wells are probably going home next week. To top that off the episode was a tad underwhelming.