The Bachelorette 12: Week 3, Pt. 2 Recap

Disclaimer: Everything down below are my personal opinions. I'm in no way affiliated with any corporation, especially The Bachelorette or ABC.

*Week One Recap here if you need a refresher!
*Week Two Recap here if you need a refresher!
*Week Three, Part One Recap here if you need a refresher!

Alright, so last we left of, Evan and the uneven hairline told Chris about Chad's behavior and Chris calls him outside. There's a lot of speculation about what they're talking about until Chad comes in, with the potential to fix all the misery he's caused, and once again squanders it. He offers Evan 20 dollars, instead of an apology (or a new shirt) and calls him a liar. And Wells, who is built like Timmy Turner, says...words, and Chad assures him that he's not going to be violent for the rest of his stay. Lol, okay.

Jojo comes for the pool party and everything is really boring and undramatic, but Evan's nosebleed (for no apparent reason) was pretty funny. Jojo and Jordan start talking, but she tells him that she has no idea what he's feeling. She can't read him. But girl, you're still kissing him instead of trying to work your shit out with him. I can read him emotionally, I guess, but physically he just keeps the same blank, doe eyed expression.

Chad tries to explain why he was so shocked when JoJo gave Evan the rose but, ironically, Evan comes over and steals her away. Then Chad goes all Lemony Snicket and narrates a montage of guys talking to Jojo about himself. Derek tells Jojo that there's security in the house and Chad overhears so he confronts Derek about it. Honestly, Derek didn't really have anything to be scared about with Chad because I don't even think they've exchanged six words with each other the entire time he was there. Chad just lives to work out, drink protein shakes, eat steak and fight with Evan, Alex and Jordan. My issue with Chad is his awful way with words, like, Jesus. When he goes to talk to Derek, instead of simply saying a fake "I'm sorry" he starts off with "Whatever guy like me stole your girlfriend...". He comes off as a major douchebag and instead of being the dude who doesn't want to start any trouble, like he claims to be, those are fighting words. 

Rose ceremony:

1) Chase

2) Evan

3) James T.

4) Grant

5) Derek

6) Jordan

7) Luke 

8) Robby

9) Wells

10) James F.

11) Vinny

12) Daniel
13) Alex 
14) Chad

Let's forget about Chad for a second, let's talk about the unshocking fact that Jojo got ride of 66% of the men of color on the show. I might clock out of this season after Grant leaves because I almost pissed myself when they bullied Jubliee off of The Bachelor.

1-on-1:

And the one-on-one date goes to....Luke Perry? He's okay I just can't stand the fact that he never smiles, he gives me Beverly Hills, 90210 vibes. And not the good kind. It's like he's on the show just to do his best impression of Dylan McKay. He should smile more. Did y'all see his worry lines? His forehead looks like a mouth when he doesn't smile. It looks like Patrick Star's belly mouth on Spongebob. Just smile, Luke.

They make out in a hot tub, Jojo basically admits she's kept him around because he looks like a GQ model but now she thinks their relationship could go somewhere. Then they go to "The Supper Club", Luke tells her a story but he's just mumbling. I'm paying more attention to the motion of his forehead worry lines than I am to the words he is saying and Jojo is just sitting there like she's thinking about ice cream sprinkles and going home to finish the last season of The Fosters. He still gets a rose for some reason. Then they go to some concert. When Dan + Shay starts and the singer dude (Dan?) starts singing I thought it was going to be an R&B ballad but nah, it was country so I fast forwarded it.

Group Date:

The group dates consists of: Derek, the one who moved out. Wells, the one who almost passed out during the firefighter exercise. Daniel, the Canadian with no airtime. Chase, James T., Vinny, James F., Evan, Grant, Jordan and Robby (is this his first date, like, ever with her?).

So they go to the Heinz Ketchup field and in the middle of the stadium in Ben Rossburger (or, eh, something) and two other guys who I also don't know. Evan's nose starts bleeding again and James T.'s face literally busts open. He thinks he's fine, though.

"I'm fine!"

Next they play some football and whichever group of guys win get to go on some special date with Jojo. So the guys get divided into two teams: The blue team: Evan, Robby, Vinny, Derek, James T. ;The white team: Wells, Daniel, Grant, James F. & Chase. And of course Jordan was the overall quarterback so he was going to go on the date regardless.The blue team wins but this show being The Bachelorette, I'm surprised the white team didn't.

Robby finally gets some alone time with Jojo, and they make out on a pool table, James T. gets kissed on the forehead (thankfully not on the scab), and it took for Jordan to pull her outside, kiss her and literally say I like you for Jojo to believe him. So he gets the rose. And ironically, when he gets the rose for showing his emotions, I didn't see any emotions on his face. He was like, "oh...thanks."

Anyways, back at the resort during the date, the losing team, Alex & Chad get the official date card that says they're going on a 2-on-1 date and only one of them is coming back. Grant and Chad get into it, and then everyone (except Wells) raise their hand when he asks who has a problem with him. Alex starts going in on Chad, Chad acts like he doesn't care (annoyingly), then Grant calls him a coward (even though Grant agrees to go outside and fight him, like, six times but just sits on the coach, lolololol). Chad angrily gets up and walks away and presumably leaves to go find a door to angrily punch.

2-on-1:

The day of Chad & Alex' 2-on-1 finally arrives and when they come down the stairs, Jordan says something smart and Chad goes ballistic. I mean he goes Scream serial killer mad on that ass. He tells him when he goes home, he'll come to his house and find him.

Jojo, idiotically, takes the two biggest enemies on the show into the woods. If you've heard all these damn stories then why would you take Chad's insane ass to the woulds where he will no doubt knock you out, kill Alex, eat his body for the protein, then hold you hostage in a cabin like a Stephen King movie? Jojo goes to talk to Alex first and, almost immediately, they start talking about Chad and his personality. He tells her that he threatened Jordan, and that he told him he uses physical violence when someone doesn't understand him.

Jojo confronts Chad about his violence, he claims that he wasn't in the wrong, Jojo gets frustrated and leaves. If Chad had just thrown his pride away and fake apologized to her then everything would be honky dory and we would still have a dramatic villain on the show, but no, he claims no wrong doing. "You threaten people with violence!" "...So they would be quiet." DAMN IT CHAD, THAT WAS HILARIOUS. WHY CAN'T YOU JUST SHOW EMOTIONS?! I swear, if he just broke down and started crying about something then Jojo would have picked him, but no, he acts like he did nothing wrong and whistles like The Lumberjack Strangler on his way to confront Alex. AND CHAD ALWAYS HAS TO TALK ABOUT VIOLENCE. IF THERE WAS ONE TIME TO BE FAKE IT WAS RIGHT NOW. I wish he just apologized to Alex and start crying then secretly threw him away in the ocean, at least he'd still be in the competition because Jojo came back over and after giving it some thought she couldn't have anyone disrespecting her future husband Jordan (even though she still kept him around after she SAW with her own eyes, him physically tearing the shirt off of Evan).

So Chad starts psychotically walking around the forest at night whistling and is just talking a bunch of nonsense. "He's lying, saying I threatened people..." Excuse me, who gave us the quotes "You're going to die tomorrow" "Keep that up you're gonna loose you're teeth" "You think I won't come to your house and find you?". Alex and Jojo were in some random cabin making out and the guys at the house are throwing a party while Chad goes off looking for a door to go punch. AND THEN HE KNOCKS ON THE DOOR OF THE HOUSE AND WE HAVE TO WAIT TWO !@#$%^&* WEEKS TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS SDGHSDNDFKBFDHDFFD OMG OMG OMG ARE YOU SERIOUS ABC?!?!?!?! DAMN IT BASKETBALL, DAMN IT.

Chad's best quotes tonight:

"Apparently, Evan just bleeds thinking about me."
"You got bleeding, crying, sensitive guy with kids."
"Whatever guy like me stole your girlfriend..."
The camera man looked distracted when they were zooming in on Chad's body. And that bear looked like he saw Chad and didn't want any drama for the day so he just clocked out and walked away.
"Grown man versus an angry child."
"Today's basically a one-one-one date with a needy little child."
"Nobody ever buys the first house they look at."
*Threatens Alex, Jordan, Evan & Derek* "I'm not an aggressive guy..."
"Drink some milk."
"Life ain't all blueberries and paper airplanes, y'knowhaimean?"
"It's not 100% false."
"She's either an actress, or a complete [!@#$%^&*]." Yikes.

Oh, Canada!:
Daniel sexually harrassing Evan was my favorite moment of the season so far.

EPISODE GRADE: A

ARE YOU KIDDING ME THOSE LAST 10 MINUTES WERE INSANE.