Disclaimer: Everything down below are my personal opinions. I'm in no way affiliated with any corporation, especially The Bachelorette or ABC.
*Week One Recap here if you need a refresher!
First group date:
Alright so the guys on the first group date go as follows: Luke, I think that's the dude who just looked at her last week without any emotions and she thought it was hot. Grant, one of the dry light skin boys. Will, idk. Evan, the ridiculously emotional one with the ridiculous comb over who annoying grabbed the card to read it (I only say he annoying grabbed it because it means I had to look at that comb over and that uneven facial hair again). Daniel the drunk Canadian. Vinny from the block, who I feel like is going to go bat shit crazy when he doesn't get a rose). Ali, the piano player. James F, idk, he wears plaid? Wells and Robby. Dunno who Wells is, but Robby is the one with the hairline shaped like half of an oval and it stresses me out.
The actual date is boring. They do some big, extravagant firefighter activity. Wells almost passes out, then tells Jojo that's how he feels every time he's with her. She's just like...okay, that's cute but I literally just don't want you to die. Uh, Grant (the dry light skin dude, who's actually a firefighter) wins the whole thing and Luke, who was neck in neck to win, lost and pouted as he walked downstairs but it wasn't as if we'd ever seen him smile before this so it wasn't that big of a deal. Luke honestly just juiced up the whole situation to the point where I was getting sick of hearing him talk about how he lost to Grant. Like, he's a firefighter. No one blames you for losing and not FAKE saving Jojo's life. I mean home girl is safe, right?
Meanwhile at the house, Chad literally put a suitcase in between his thighs with a weight belt, and started doing pull ups. Then he starts eating a steak while all the guys gather around the pool and the kitchen table and start singing Jojo show tunes.
By the end of the night, I was glad to see Wells get the rose. He's actually really goofy in a funny and endearing way. Luke takes his name way too seriously and it just feels like he's giving us a bad Dylan McKay impression.
One-on-one:
Derek got the one on one, I didn't know who Derek was before this date and, eh, he's okay. His story just confused me. If there was another person in his exes life, why would he come on The Bachelorette where there are about 47 other people in Jojo's life at the moment? I guess they had a moment or whatever, I still don't think he's going to win the show.
Second group date:The guys on the second group date are: Jordan, the ex-quarterback/brother of Aaron Rogers. Jordan's face just gives me a bad vibe. He looks unfinished. If we bake his face at 350 for about 30 more minutes then maybe his face will be finished and turn into something but at the moment his face just looks incomplete. Christian, the lightskin dude who isn't Grant. Christian, to me, looks like if this whole Bachelorette thing doesn't work out that he'll just turn to drag. Nick B, Santa (I believe?). James T, the singer. Alex, military dude. And of course, Chad, meat head.
Chase, the hipster and the Bachelor superfan don't get dates this week and that's where this weeks first read session comes in. They are all distraught by not getting a date and Chad, who's invited on the date, proceeds to tell them that they've gone an entire lifetime without seeing Jojo and that it shouldn't be that hard to wait another day. "She's not going to get on a jet an fly to Malaysia," now that was a little much but I see where he's coming from. You can't say you haven't shouted that at the TV once or twice while watching this show or The Bachelor.
Alright, so the date takes place at the ESPN sport center, who apparently watched The Bachelor last season and wanted to sponsor this show or something. They get power ranked after doing a series of challenges. The first challenge is striking a rose, the second one is proposing to Jojo after being spun around and all dizzy on a bat. Predictably, everyone is cheezy about their "love" for Jojo, but oh, not Chadwick Manford (or whatever his full name is). Then they have some press conference thing, where everyone calls out Chad for being a jerk, then he calls everyone else out for being fake. And it honestly makes a lot of sense, but we'll get to Chad later because we got PLENTY of him tonight.
The power rankings were: 1) James T, 2) Chad, 3) Alex.
Personally, I love Alex getting third place because of how much it pisses him off to be below Chad. Alex is so strange, it's like he has the personality of a short man, but the face of a tall one. Alex' body just confuses me. Like his entire upper body looks tall but the lower half of his body looks like someone chopped off half of his legs so he's forced to be 4'10". He even looks like he still buys pants that would fit him back when he had longer legs.
James T wrote her a poem (I think it's funny how his voice cracked when he said he's into "hard-core man stuff"). Christian warmed himself up with a candle, Jordan ka'kawed on the balcony next to her, Alex jumped on a high chair for her (which is a little ironic, especially how they edited in Chad calling them little kids while we saw Alex' 4th grade shaped ass sitting in that big chair looking like a doll. James T got the rose, and I'm not mad. I like his songs, I dunno. I don't think he's gonna win either, but, okay. It was all worth it to see how incoherent Chad was in his confessional afterwards, he seemed so shocked and confused.
alex - 6
Cock-tail party:
Chad...was waiting outside of the house for Jojo, while everyone was socializing. Later in the night he claimed that they just ran into each other but is that why you had a glass for her? And then Alex GRILLS him on it. Like, he threw Chad's ass on the grill like the meat Chad devoured all night. According to Alex, the house has been divided because winter is coming. Speaking of winter, Olaf Chase brings snow when he gets some one on one time with her and offers to teach her to snowboard. While all this is going on, Chad keeps eating, everything. Like he consumes half of the table of food (all the meat) while the other guys just watch and throw shade at him. Then, while Jojo's having some one on one time with Evan, he asks to steal her away and Evan gets low key FUMED. Evan on Chad: "He's so wrong for her, he's so out of line." That's literally what I've been saying about Evan's hair these entire two weeks. His hair is so wrong for him, his facial hair is so out of line. Then Alex confronts Chad, for like the 3rd time in the night. It wouldn't be that big of a deal if Alex didn't talk about Chad every time he was in his confessional. Literally every time Alex' voice creeps up in the background he's talking some shit about Chad and it's funny, but he seems a little pressed by the end of every episode. In fact, I've tallied it up and he's talking about him a total of 7 times this episode alone. But I can't really say anything because this whole review is basically about Chad but it's not my fault he steals every single scene.
At this point, it's easy to say Chad is the Olivia of the season. The editing team makes it sound like it's Chad's reality show at some points, the way his voice always seems to just creep up out of nowhere. They're not going to have any behind the scenes/cut footage because they're using everything he's shot already. Olivia sort of told it like it was, but she talked shit behind everyone's back, whereas Chad is actually saying it to everyone else's face. He's also not delusional and doesn't talk about his cankles. He doesn't "think" Jojo is in love with him, or think that she believes they are meant to be with each other. He's not off base when he says that she actually likes him because all of the things he does that is annoying everybody seems to be making her like him more. It's really rare to watch one of these shows and have someone be so self aware of how ridiculous this whole set up is, which is why it's so interesting to watch Chad talk shit about everyone to their face and call out the fact that it's a little strange they've all fallen in love with her based one what they've seen on TV and two days with her in real life. Although I think it's a little bit of a stretch, what's to stop them from falling in love with the next pretty girl they see? They've known Jojo for a grand total of a few days .Then again Chad looks like the biggest womanizer in Bachelorette history, so where does he get off saying of this? 
I also found it hilarious how, when the guys confronted him about it later, Chad once again called them liars and everyone shut their mouth up because, well, he's not incorrect. "I mean, come on." - Nick B. "Okay..." - Christian. Where Chad fucked up at was his 50th repeat of the line "Jojo wants a man." There's a clear issue of what he considers "being a man". I think it's ridiculous to call himself the only real man there. What makes a man? Calling the girl he is supposed to be fighting for "naggy"? (Even if it was a joke) Not showing your emotions? Not showering the girl you're supposed to be fighting for? Not showing affection to her or making her feel special? Basically Chad wants Jojo to fall in love with a robot who just wakes up, eats, works out and goes back to sleep. Once he can get this ridiculous "Jojo wants a real man" spiel, I think he's probably the best/realest person they have on the cast right now and it's ridiculously entertaining to watch him just eat cheese balls while everyone tries to come for him. Because, honestly, if I was cornered the way he was I'd just laugh and eat more lunch meat. I've been saying this since The Bachelor. They. Are. Not. There. To. Make. Friends. Maybe 3 of them will keep in contact after the show is over, the rest of them are going home wiht no one and one of them is going home with Jojo. You can't knock him for wanting to be the one to go home with Jojo because he clearly has not interest in any of these guys, besides maybe Daniel.
"If Chad gets rose tonight then everything I think that rose stands for is degraded. That rose is supposed to symbolize that, like, one of the best bachelors in the country is receiving that. It's supposed to symbolize that you're a good guy and -- and you're here for the right reasons. But it's gonna represent just garbage if she gives him that rose." - Alex' monologue from the rose ceremony.
Rose ceremony:
1) Alex
2) Christian
3) Robby
4) Luke (UGH SEE HE LOOKED PISSED TO GET A ROSE)
5) Chase
6) Jordan
7) Grant
8) Ali
9) Daniel (Oh, Canada!!!!!)
10) James F.
11) Nick B.
12) Vinny
13) Evan (LMAO UGH WE WERE THIS CLOSE)
14) Chad
(Plus Wells, James T. & Derek)
Chad's best quotes tonight:
"I feel like that's Jojo's B Team. As an auto dealer, I'd have them look at the worst cars before they get to my good cars.""Forgive me if I'm not gonna be fake. I'm not an actor. Apparently, you look you are one now."
"Oh, this is a joke to you guys? This is just a joke? It's a joke?"
"I happened to see her." ...with a glass of champagne for her in your hand?
"Y'all should really be eating some food. It's amazing."
"I can't explain it to them." I don't know if he was talking about his hunger for Jojo or his hunger for food.
"Hey...you hurt our...feelings...we're a bunch of...butt-hurt dudes...who're gonna confront you...slightly..."
"It was like West Side Story." I'm shocked a real big strong man like Chad knows what a musical is...
"She's going to keep Alex around because she doesn't want America to think she hates short people. I don't think she wants a guy that's...shorter than her."
"Christian, Christian...I don't even know who Christian is. Oh, another short guy."
"If I were to go home tonight it would make absolutely know sense. I would just turn it off as she has an issue. Not me. I would probably end up confronting her. Like, that's bullshit, you know you like me."
"Gah, they're going to write so many more songs, so many more poems..."
"I will NOT write her a song about how much I love her. I'm going to keep drinking protein shakes, working out, keep eating food and just continue doing what I do."
EPISODE GRADE: A-
This. Was. Ridiculous. But I lived for every second of it, and I can't wait to see Evan and Chad fight next week.
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