*Week One Recap here if you need a refresher!
*Week Two Recap here if you need a refresher!
First one-on-one:
OH MY GOSH, HOW DRAMATIC!!! Only one group date this week however will the guys survive?! Or at least that's what the show and wants us to think and how the guys feel. That was James...T who read off the card, right? I feel like up to this point I only know Chad, the Canadian and Alex. Did anyone really know who Chase was before he got the date? I swear they pull some of the most random stunts to get these dudes some airtime. I can honestly say the most interesting part of their date was probably Chad's reaction to not getting a one-on-one date. Oh, that and the angergasms. They go to some strange, sex yoga shop and do all these weird positions and exercises that, if you were watching live, you probably just wanted to fast forward and skip to something else in the episode. At one point the teacher is showing them some pose (I think that was Yip-yap, or Yib Yum), then when they get in the pose and the teacher seemingly just disappeared. I don't blame her, I'm not even on the date and I wanted to disappear. Chase's face just perplexes me. It's as if his face just stays put while his eyebrows go straight up and down and his mouth attempts to curl into a smile. He just looks like he has such trouble with showing any type of emotion. But hey, he got a rose so what do I know?
Group Date:
The only group date goes as followed, announced by Ali (the dude who played piano for her on the first or second episode): Jordan, the ex-quarterback with the uncooked face. Grant, the firefighter who saved her from fake death. Wells Fargo. James F (not the one who has curly hair and sings Jojo showtunes). Christian, the light skin dude who is not Grant. Ali. Daniel, the Canadian. Vinny, the Italian dude (idk). Nick, Santa. Evan, uneven hairline and uneven facial hair. Alex, the ex-military with the height of the average 6th grade. And Chadogeddon. The gag is that Chad doesn't even want to go on the date because he'll have to share her with 11 other guys. Before I break down what happens after Chad throws his low key tantrum, let me just share my feelings on him not wanted to go on a date. I really, really respect Chad's honesty. He tells it like it is most of the time, and it's always very, very entertaining. Here he was just being childish. Just like you don't want to make friends, because this is a competition and you are fighting for Jojo, you have to play the game in order to WIN the competition and Jojo's heart. Chad, you signed up for The Bachelorette. You signed up for group dates, you signed up to share her with, what, 83 other guys. That was literally in your contract. Stop being a whiny meat man and just roll with the punches.
So the guys get into a back and forth and someone (Derek?) tells Chad to cross his name off the list because he's being completely ungrateful and then Evan's cheddar cheese comb-over asks if there's a sharpie around, to which Chad just says "Evan, stop talking." And the look on his face was enough to fill me up for Thanksgiving dinner. Evan. Was. Livid. Me, Max was personally grateful for that moment because I haven't kept it a secret how much the sight of Evan makes me tired enough to rest my head on a black mother's bosom. Then Jordan basically calls Chad an idiot ("whatever team Chad's on, let's hope it's a bench-press competition, not a spelling contest"), which I thought was actually really funny until I saw Evan's over-the-top laugh. The best part was Chad's "wait what?" And the way the producers edited it, hilariously made Chad look like a dumbass when he asks "Are you trying to insinuate that I'm stupid, Jordan?" Chad and the word "insinuate" shouldn't cross paths. BUT HERE WE GO WITH THE READS, Chad calls Jordan a "27 year old failed football player." Then Alex comes in, calling Chad a "solid piece of shit, stinking over there," which would have been a whole lot funnier if it came out of anyone's mouth but Alex' because he's a "25 year old [Uh, I'm going to be the bigger person here and use the word 'dwarf']". "What what what what what what what?" - Alex' wisdom. That. Escalated. Quickly, girl.Nevertheless, Chad goes on the date. Duh. So after they get to the venue/date, the go into some show where some girl who looks and sounds like Sicky Vicky from So Random tells some orgasm story right before some other lady tells the guys that they're going to be sharing their craziest sex experience (or sum'n) in front of the entire audience one by one. Grant had sex in a sleeping bag in the woods until he got caught in by the cops, Nick/Santa recited the alphabet and licked his lips (?), Jordan was talking about the flaccidity of a penis, Ali made out with a mustache, Vinny just took his shirt off in true Italian fashion, Daniel cut some girls hair off and Wells farted during a threesome story.
And...then we have Evan. Mirror mirror on the wall, who was the messiest of them all? Evan was. Instead of doing the actual activity, Evan decided that he's going to tell a story that relates to Chad because he "broke bro code last night." Chad was a douche bag to Jordan and Alex the night before, he literally just told Evan to stop talking. I don't know why he wanted to do something so unprovoked, maybe he wanted to feel like a bad ass (which he did because Alex was egging him on). Speaking of Alex, how dare he call Evan the "smallest guy" there when Alex is literally clocking in at 3'11". When Evan actually got up onto the stage to talk, I just remember cringing the entire time. He talked about steroids, how you shouldn't take them, how some guy in the house is probably taking them and that mixed in with Evan's stage presence just made me want to crawl out of my skin and kick a tree stump. I felt so uncomfortable watching it. Evan goes back to take a seat, Chad tells him to wait in the aisle because he wants to get past first, Evan doesn't hear so he pushes past Chad but this doesn't sit well with Chad so while Evan is hugging Jojo, Chad yanks on Evan's shirt and nearly rips it off of his body.If that wasn't enough to get you cringing, Chad refuses to tell a story about his sex life because Jojo "hasn't earned it yet." So he goes on stage, asks for a volunteer (but forces Jojo to come on stage, lol) and tells her it's not about the past, it's about the future. Then he goes into kiss her and it goes a little something like:
Then Chad throws the mic off to the side when it won't fit in the stand, punches the door, starts bleeding, threatens Evan, pushed Evan and makes Evan flinch. "Don't touch me!!!" Yikes! All of this was great, especially when Daniel tries to be the voice of reason. Speaking of his voice, his accent is cartoonly strong. You know? You know? You know? Lol, doesn't Daniel look like the cucumber from Veggie Tales?
Okay yada yada, so by night time they're all hanging out. Guys get to have some one on one time with Jojo and she picks who she's giving the second rose to. Vinny plays Dr. Phil and asks Chad how he feels about a bunch of stuff (at one point Vinny starts talking and someone just dramatically coughs over him). Alright, let's dissect Chad again for a second. Chad had so many opportunities to redeem himself. I'm not going to pretend like I don't believe in my heart that Chad was genuinely hurt by what Evan said about him and the steroids. The way he reacted to it was way over the top, I think he could have sat back and had an honest conversation about his feelings so things wouldn't have had to get physical. Do I believe that he was upset that Evan pushed passed him to get to his seat? Yes. Do I also think 95% of that aggression came from the fact that Evan was talking cash shit about him on stage right before? Hell. To. The. Yes. I also agree that when Chad "acts out" it's in retaliation to someone. Always. Alex kept cornering him last week so he threatened him, Jordan called him dumb so he lashed out at him, Evan called him a steroid head so he lashed out at him. Does Chad deserve to be talked about like he's an asshole? Yes, because he is. Chad is rude, he's over the top, he thinks having no emotions and working out makes somebody a man. All this being said, I think they were both in the wrong. Evan was wrong for using his opportunity to impress Jojo to knock Chad down because he just looked like an asshole on the stage, and Chad was wrong for reacting the way he did.
Evan comes to sit down, tells Chad he owes him an apology and a shirt (fair enough) and then Chad calls Evan a bully and tells him to stop talking about him and trying to bump into him. Personally, I don't know why Evan is so pressed to get revenge against Chad for...whatever. I think the only thing Chad really did to him was tell him to be quiet that one time (but we were all thinking it, come on). I don't even think Chad knew Evan's name before that night. I'm on team Daniel at this point.Alright, so Jojo is talking with a bunch of different guys and Chad is just circling around her like the vultures from The Lion King. It's ridiculous. At one point she literally has to look up and tell him to back off because he's doing the most but he eventually gets a moment alone with her. He kind of puts his foot in his mouth but the only thing I took away from it was when Jojo told him "Don't be a bully." ...Like, yes, sis. Just don't be an asshole and you won't have a target on your back. But Evan tells Jojo that if Chad stays, he's going. But she still gives him the rose (lol, for being a trooper, I suppose) and he accepts it. And Chad goes APESHIT. Jojo asks him why the fuck his face looks like that, he explains himself (a little) she calls him disrespectful and the night is finally over. FINALLY.
Alright, I know who James (T?!) is now. So Jojo takes him to a dance studio where Betty White is apparently there teaching them how to dance. And then they do some Disney flash mob in the middle of the town from Newsies. Then at night they have a heart to heart and Jojo calls Luke Long Neck (even though the actual Luke on this season has a longer neck than James...) really positive and happy and he sings her a song. Cute. He gets a rose.
So Derek, Chad's roommate, feels uncomfortable sleeping alone in a room with Chad because he's scared he will snap at any second and kill him. Derek, in case you forgot (because why/how would you remember) he got the one-one-one date with Jojo last week. Dylan McKay (Luke) doesn't feel safe either, the dude who isn't tall enough to ride the roller coasters at Six Flags doesn't feel safe, no one feels safe so they hired security.
Daniel compares Chad to Hitler, Mussolini, Donald Trump, George Bush because he looks back by associating with him. But they don't finish the example so their scene is pretty much six types of irrelevant.
While Chad and Daniel work out and grunt the next day, Chris announces there will be no rose ceremony but she's spending the entire day with them and having a pool party. Before he leaves, E-Money (thank you, Wells) follows Chris out the door and tells him that Chad isn't safe. I honestly feel like Chris doesn't care. He's the producer, right? He's probably in the editing room laughing at all of this. Evan doesn't know what he will do if Chad doesn't go home, but I'm going to laugh. I don't know where there's so much hearsay going on when they could just pause recording, rewind the tapes and see Chad isn't lying when he tried to tell Evan to not get in his way but they'll also see that Chad over reacted. So. This could all be solved. This is a reality show. There are cameras, y'all.
Chris tells Chad to squash out all his beef with the guys, I think he low key just wants Chad to beat everyone up. And by the looks of it, he's going to. But that's gonna have to wait until tonight. Yikes!
Chad's best quotes tonight:
"You're at 27 year old failed football player."
"You're a 25 year old [bleep]." Midget, I guess?
"I've had sex with a girl before!!!!"
"Door walked into the way of my hand."
"You're gonna die if you don't chill out."
"I'm a pretty nice guy."
"I don't have any problems with anybody."
"you're trying to, like, bully me or something."
"Stop trying to work out when I'm working out, stop trying to cook when I'm cooking."
"He fucked up already, he has three kids."
"Fuck his shirt, man."
"I don't know who that was, but I'm super happy for him." Lol, how I feel about most of the guys on the show.
"Grant looks like the guy from Spongebob." He does give me Squidward vibes.
"I mean, like, I have these children. They're like, really good children.....Fuck off Evan."
*Sees himself in the mirror* "Whoa, hey, buddy!
"Where's another door?" *spits*
"No girl on planet Earth ever chooses Evan for anything other than to come, like, sweep their front yard."
"Fuck them, fuck everyone."
"Let's not pretend I'm Hitler."
"I wanna cut everyones arms and legs off and then there's gonna be torsos, then I'm gonna throw them in the pool and I'm gonna fuck up this entire damn thing."
Daniel's one liners:
Daniel's bent over ass sticking out while he works out is a one liner in itself.
"There ya go."
"I love to talk about sex and weird things and different bodily functions."
"Poo is pretty funny."
"You know, you know, you know."
"Use some low-gical reasoning sometimes, ya know?"
Lol, his hair grew like six inches from the date night to the next morning before the pool party.
EPISODE GRADE: A-
Golly gee, what glorious, glorious unnecessary trash this was.
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