Disclaimer: Everything down below are my personal opinions. I'm in no way affiliated with any corporation, especially The Bachelorette or ABC.
Well, would you look at that. After sporadically covering the Bachelor franchise on and off for a little over a year now, I'm back with a recap for The Bachelorette 13! Before we start this off, let's get it straight that Rachel Lindsay is such a breath of fresh air for the franchise. I'm new to the Bachelor wave, I just started last year, but it's clear that there's a distinction between being a contestant and being the actual Bachelor/Bachelorette. I can't put my finger on it but there's just a level of authenticity and personality that's taken away from the Bachelor/Bachelorette. I really liked Nick after seeing him for the first time in paradise, but after he became the Bachelor he just started spouting out generic nonsense that had me groaning, much like how Jojo bored the mess out of me. Rachel, however, has just brought a level of realness and authenticity that I haven't seen in the show since I started watching it. When she told DeMario to get the fuck out I did the dougie, milly rock and back flipped in the span of thirteen seconds. I just think she's taking this a lot more seriously than a lot of the other series leads. She also just has a really infectious personality. I smile whenever I see her and she's a smart, beautiful black woman. We need more of those on reality television -- especially as series leads.
Anyway, I'll continue my endless praise of Rachel another time. The episode picks up right where the last one left off. Rachel goes out to talk to DeMario and, really, there's nothing he can say to save himself at this point. He got caught in a lie and sunk the more he spoke. His apology seemed to be genuine, or genuinely fuck boy, but Rachel said it best. She gave him chance after chance to tell the truth and apologize to her and the girl, but he just dug himself deeper into the lie. He was dodging questions, he was rephrasing answers that would make him look bad, it was just a mess but it was some good black ass television. There's just no coming back from DeMario seeing Lexi and going "OHHHHHHH...whodat?!" It was cringeworthy to see him try and break away from that. Long story short, Rachel sends him home again. I don't know what was more entertaining, DeMario and Rachel's conversation or every one of the guys walking out for no reason just to watch the conversation. Some of them seemed genuinely concerned, other's were just trying to be alpha males and pretend they'd beat him up, and some guys were clearly just following the pack. At one point I heard someone say something along the lines of "well, you know, if he comes back I'm not saying anything to him." And that's a pretty good summarization of how intimidating the men on this show are.
Okay. So, Blake and Lucas. Everything about this screamed Alex and Chad to me. I have no idea what Blake was complaining about the entire first three episodes because if Lucas wasn't there, Blake wouldn't even have a storyline. He isn't particularly interesting, or attractive. I can't seem to see one, let alone both, of his eyebrows. There's just nothing there for me to care about. Lucas, on the other hand, I love. I love every wordhe incoherently slurs, I loved watching him jab another grown man in the neck, and I love Whaboom. I don't love him as a partner for Rachel because not only is Rachel not on his level, they're in different apartment complexes on different streets. But I wouldn't be mad if they stayed friends because Lucas just seems like a fun guy who doesn't take himself, or anything, too seriously. He let the baby doll drown several times last week. He didn't stand a chance, man. They both ended up going home and, when I tell you, they gave us a SCENE afterwards, they gave us a SCENE. They're giving their exit interviews and Lucas starts shouting out insults, then Blake comes over, calls him a piece of shit and tells him that he was there for the wrong reasons. I don't disagree, but Blake had no room to talk. In the scene right before, when he was talking about getting a rose he didn't say that he was falling for Rachel, he simply said "I don't like it when I get beat by assholes." The two of them just go at it, saying absolutely nothing to each other. Nothing. From Blake shouting out and physically embodying "Whaboom" to Lucas telling him that it wasn't about winning, it's about "the world." Then they just start mocking each other in weird voices, then Lucas starts yelling at Blake about how funny he is and what an awesome clown he is and it's just world class television. American Crime was canceled on ABC and we get to see grown men mocking fart noises and yelling at each other for nothing and I'm perfectly content right now.
FIRST DATE (Bryan, Jonathan, Peter, Alex, Will, Fred): The Ellen Show
Basically the next 10-20 minutes is an episode of Ellen. They get shirtless and talk about Fred knowing Rachel from camp. Afterwards they're talking and Rachel basically has to tell him to kiss her. He's really, really into and Rachel...looked like she wanted a Quaker Oats Chewy bar. She got possessed by the spirit of McKayla Maroney because you could tell she was unquestionably unimpressed. I got second hand cringe from watching that. She meets up with all the guys, about to give out the date rose, but tells Fred she needs to talk to him. I, and anyone else with a set of working eyeballs or prescription eye lenses, could tell what was about to happen. But she got him by the neck by bringing the rose with her when she went to talk to him. She could have at least given the brother a foreshadowing hand motion by not taking the rose with her because Fred looked like he really thought he was getting that date rose. ME-SSY. He...didn't, obviously, and was sent home, obviously. Alex gets the rose. I still barely know who Alex is. Okay.
ONE ON ONE (Anthony)
Anthony got the one on one date and I got up to use the bathroom.
SECOND DATE (Brady, Dean, Adam, Kenny, Bryce, Lee, Jack, Eric): Mud Wrestling
Sorry, I laughed when Iggy didn't get anything. I didn't laugh too hard until he liquefied himself, put himself in a syringe and injected himself into Eric and Anthony's conversation for no good reason, then lost the conversation, got mad and walked away. Rachel brings in some of the girls from Nick's season (Raven, Corinne, Jasmine and, uh, etc.) and they go onto a party bus. For some brilliant reason, the group date this week is mud wrestling so Kenny gets a lot of screen time that no one asked for. The funniest part is that Kenny would not shut up about being a wrestler and ends up losing to Bryce. 
The real meat and potatoes of this date happens before and after the date. Raven hops around the bus trying to get all the tea from everyone and Bryce and Lee both doubt Eric's compatibility with Rachel. Much like a successful game of telephone, Raven tells Rachel and Rachel tells Eric. Now Eric, as we've seen earlier, is a very confrontational person. If you have a problem with him, it's best to address it with him because he'll have a conversation with you. He walks out, after talking to Rachel, and confronts Bryce and Lee. Kenny and, I assume, Jack orbed out of the situation as quickly as possible which I respect because that would have been me.
Unfortunately, when Raven spoke to Bryce and Lee on the bus we didn't get to hear what they were saying about Eric much so I can't dig my claws into them because I have no idea what they said to her so I'll just have to take their word for it that they weren't being messy and they were just being honest. Eric claims he can "feel energy" (his words) and thinks Bryce was being genuine, but tells Lee that he doesn't feel he's being genuine. I don't know if he's genuine or not, but I do know the producers should have kept some toilet paper on set because everything coming out of his mouth was utter bullshit. "I love you to death, you have so much potential, you're an amazing person," were a few of the things he was saying. In the same breath, he started coming for him about yelling at Iggy and the way he was talking to him just felt so insulting. He was talking talking to him like he was a child and I thought it was just messy. At one point in the confessional he says that Eric means "nothing" to him after JUST saying 73 times that he loved Eric and thought he had a lot of potential. MESS. Jokes on his ass because my boy Eric got the last laugh with the rose.
COCKTAIL PARTY
And then we have the Igloo. Iggy spends his entire one on one time with Rachel talking about Eric and goes back to Eric and tells him about the one on one. Instead of actually trying to build something with her, for some reason he felt the need to spend time he could of used to get to know her better to try and stir the pot a little bit by telling Rachel about Eric's comment (he was questioning how serious she was taking the show). I was initially confused about why Iggy was still around but it looks like the producers are around shouting at Rachel from behind the windows during the ceremonies to keep him around or something. I don't feel he has any chemistry with her and his only memorable scenes this season have been him confronting Eric about something he didn't have to insert himself in. When Eric asks why his name was brought up during their one on one, Iggy claims that she asked who the conversation was with. The Bachelorette isn't as shady as Bravo realities shows, but if you rewind less than a minute before, Iggy starts off with "There was a comment that Eric made..." Iggy went out of his way to make the one on one about Eric and not his relationship with Rachel. It's not an unrealistic argument to make Eric the bad guy, but it also wouldn't be unrealistic for the guys in the house to actually focus on Rachel instead of keeping up drama they have no business being in. Trust and believe, however, I have no problems with these dudes making themselves look stupider and stupider. It's why we watch the show.
EPISODE GRADE: B+
-NEXT WEEK WE HAVE A BLACK MAN CONFRONTING A WHITE MAN ABOUT THE HISTORY OF BLACK MEN BEING PORTRAYED AS AGGRESSIVE AND IT'S HAPPENING ON THE BACHELORETTE. LET'S GO, ABC. LET. US. GO.
-The dummy being a guest at the wrestling match was just absolutely superb.
-I'll make sure to address the big blow up at the end of the episode in my next post on the show.
-All pictures courtesy of ABC!
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