Let's get one thing clear, bitch, I'm not going to make reviewing The Bachelor a regular thing. Last night's episode just got me so heated I needed somewhere to get these emotions out. I used to have no idea why people watched this show. It's basically just a bunch of women competing for a white man who is looking for 27 women to fight over his dick. I'm not trying to come down on any guy who goes on The Bachelor because get it where you can get it, I guess. But instantly as I started watching it - I got addicted. Why? This show is complete trash. My favorite type of TV. I didn't get why people watched it...until I started watching it. How ironic. Anyways, I can't remember ever catching so much heat from one episode of television in such a long time. I was tweeting so much last night I felt as if my fingers weren't even able to catch up to my mind because I got so mad at almost all the trashy bitches in the house and, trust me, we're going to be covering EVERYTHING.
Starting off the season, I was on Jubilee's team from the get go. She's black...and that's it. I just think it's time the black girls get some love, considering they haven't even had a black bachelor before. But at the beginning of this episode? I couldn't stand her. She was so moody and so butt hurt and getting the solo date would the "best moment of [her] entire life." Girl. Chill. The first half of the episode I thought it was ridiculously annoying that she was crying about almost everything like she was in a Tyler Perry movie and just found out her momma is a crack head. Who else do I hate? Olivia. I can't stand her. Her catchphrase is "Can I steal him?" And she's way too desperate for Ben. And the way she thinks everything he says or does is a sign to her just proved what an insane sociopath she is. She thought him accidentally brushing against her leg said "sorry I can't give you the rose every week I have to make everyone think she has a chance." She thought that when he hugged her and, I guess, squeezed her a little that he was telling her she was his first choice and he wanted to make everyone sweat or something. First off, have you ever watched this show before? Or looked when he hugged literally anyone? All of the girls got hugs and kisses and he squeezed everyone a little. She is just reading into subtext that's been penned with invisible ink and it's just like.....is there something diagnostically wrong with you? Remember when this idiot thought she was the most scientifically linked to him because she got his body heat or whatever up? Olivia was just making him horny. That's it. That's like feeding a Scooby Snack to Scooby, having him eat it, and think he wants to join you for a spinoff show. Bitch, get real. Ben could fart in her direction and think he's trying to send her some special message. She is TRASH. I loved when everyone started making fun of her toes and her fake boobs and her breath. Best part of the episode was Lace going "w...wait what did you say? I think I agree, wait, okay, let's talk shit now!!!" Amber...I absolutely loved trolling her on Twitter because she was just complaining the previous week about how Ben doesn't notice her when she spends all the time she could be with Ben, complaining about the fact that she can't talk to him when she could be talking to him right now.
The biggest moments in the episode came starting about halfway through. At first I was cringing during their date because she was so awkward but it was about halfway through the date I thought that why would any of the viewers be mad at Jubilee for being herself? She's just an introverted awkward person and those are some of the best people out there. She was unapologetically being herself and you can't really fault her for that. The best part of the date is a bit complicated because it sort of lead into the worst part of the date that made me change the channel and watch Hit the Floor for a few minutes (because they come on at the same time). When she called him white boy, I thought it was hilarious. It's the kind of thing I say to white people so it was great to see that on television but then she wouldn't stop talking about it. It's almost as if she had Shonda Rhimes write her a monologue about how happy she was that he laughed when he said white boy. Admittedly, him laughing at her saying white boy kind of made me a little happy because he's actually a pretty cool guy for not getting offended or whatever these white boys be doing...but okay, you made him laugh. Cool. Give it a rest. It was funny, we get it. In the words of Maya Pope "Girl, you need to move on." I don't know why I found it so awkward but I just did and I had to change the channel because it made me feel so awkward! But I loved when she told him to relax. It shows she's paying attention to how he is mentally and not just seeing that he's a good looking white boy and fawning over his body. Olivia. Bitch.
The most entertaining part of the episode, no matter how much I like Jubilee, was when it seemed as all the girls just decided to turn on her. As she walked out to go to the helicopter, she sarcastically asked "does anyone wanna go on this date for me?" And by the way all of these bum booty bitches you were reacting you would have thought someone just tore down the closest Starbucks. They. Were. Livid. Caila thought she "wouldn't make the most" of the date, what's her dumb ass called it "offensive." What's offensive is your all's limited perception of the world. Ben didn't give a fuck. Because he understands what sarcasm is. All of you need to do something with yourselves because how can you stand to be this pressed over a white boy you met like a week ago? Amy and Sheldon didn't fuck until 6 years after they met and they're the most stable relationship in my life. When she came back from the date, everyone was in their confessionals talking all this shit about how she was pulling back from the group but how do you dumb air headed mutton-mouthed fuckheads expect her to act when you all are pulling away from her and just spending all this time with each other gossiping about how ungrateful you think she is because she was sarcastic. And nervous. And a little awkward. She's a human being and she's acting the way a human being should not all of this crazy 90210, Empire leveled bullshit front that the rest of you idiots are putting up? Also one thing everyone seems to be forgetting is that the twenty of you are not friends. Lauren H was stressing about how she couldn't imagine having a spouse who "doesn't get along with people" and then said that "Ben wants a girl who will be friends with all of the other soccer moms" .... bitch, what? You're not a soccer mom. You're a fake blond and the rest of you are basically Voss water bottles who spend your time talking shit about someone as opposed to getting to know her and be able to eliminate all the rumors you're hearing about her! I repeat. YOU ARE NOT FRIENDS. YOU ARE COMPETITION FOR ONE ANOTHER.
Ben comes in to the night time hang out or whatever and tells all the girls that a family friend has passed away and he wants to find someone who can comfort him and before he can even finish his damn sentence, Olivia pulls him away and asks to talk to him. This bitch starts talking about her struggles and basically says "all my life I had to fight." He's grieving the lost over some people who died in a plane crash who were really important to him and you're out here talking to him about how hard it is that your fat ass ankles aren't perfect? Drown, bitch. This was the other point in the night where I changed the channel to hit the floor because Olivia is just pure trash and I think it was great that Ben got to experience that self absorbed side to her so he can really she's just a bitch who wants cute babies and a fine man to fuck on the weekends. Anyways, so everyone is talking about shit or whatever and someone asks Jubliee what's on her mind and she's doing the obvious. Thinking about what would be best to make BEN feel better. She wasn't talking trash about anyone in her confessional, trying to spend as much time as possible so he would pick her to love on, she was genuinely trying to think what could bring him up because he was just in a somber ass mood. Which was clear as fucking glass. Also, what else did she have to do? Everyone was snubbing her. Everyone was cliqued up talking shit about her and how weird she is and how they think she doesn't belong with Ben. There was one point where she actually left the room and went to talk to some of the other girls, and one of the bitches just flat out rolled her eyes and walked away. It's so telling how irrelevant she was anyways because I don't even know her name. I don't think I had ever even seen her before so I didn't really care much and I wouldn't recognize her if I walked into a Starbucks or the hot pocket aisle at my local grocery store. So. During Jubilee's confessional I connected with her even more because I know exactly what it's like for someone to know me but not really KNOW me. She's just so relatable and so real and doesn't put up a front for everyone and clearly everyone finds that to be extremely intimidating.
Why is it a decent thing that they were pushing her away? Because karma. And irony. They are both BITCHES. Because where did they drive her to? Right into the arms of Ben. She meets up with Ben and gives him a massage because she knows that massages are his favorite thing and it would make him feel better. Wanna know how she knows that? Because unlike the rest of everyone else on the show she actually listened to what he had to say and got to know him on a deeper level. She knew she was coming back next week but she had his best interest in heart. But then two of the white bitches saw the massage and were, like, offended or something. Do none of the idiots realize that if they spent less time in the confessional complaining about how they don't have enough time with Ben that they can take the initiative and talk to him. Amber says there is more of a "respectful" way to get his attention. How was she not respectful, you fucking wallet colored banana chip? No one was talking to him. She didn't "steal" anyones time. And Olivia is also over here complaining when this bitch probably has trouble breathing because she has absolutely no space to be talking about spending too much time with Ben. Anyway, so Amber stomps her Mountain Dew flavored head ass to get Jubilee and bring her into the room so she can get attacked (oops, I mean "confronting") by a bunch of girls who literally looked like they stepped off of the set for the filming of Mean Girls 3. At this point I was sick of Amber because fuck her. She was just trying to start problems by telling everyone that Jubilee wants "everyone to go to her," thus insinuating that Jubilee is a drama queen or something. You you fucking cotton ball, she didn't want anyone to stand up and come walk over to her. She wanted to avoid you high school dumb ass racquetballs. Goddamn!!!!!! Caily (and some other girl whose name I don't know, or care to learn, got my respect for calling Amber and the group because it was an "attack," not a confrontation they were trying to pull with Jubilee. 
The whole time I was watching this I couldn't wait for Ben to CHECK ALL OF THESE RAGGITY HOES FOR BEING BITCHES TO JUBILEE. When I saw Ben I was so excited that he was going to comfort her because....#Bubilee. BUT WHAT PISSED ME OFF WAS WHEN LACE SAID THAT HE WAS GOING UP TO "TALK" TO JUBILEE AND I SAW AMBER'S FACE. Fucking Christ, do they have no idea that they were just ganging up on her? She needs someone to talk to and because the rest of you were being cunts, she didn't want to talk to any of you so the only other choice in the house was Ben. And you dumb ass sleds drove him right into her arms and I LOVED EVERY SECOND OF IT. Lace complaining about losing time with him was just comedy, Emily (or whoever that white girl was that said "he shouldn't have to deal with that") was also comedy. Well Jubilee shouldn't have to be dealing with a bunch of mean girls who resort to ganging up against each other because they want to win a proposal from a freaking reality show because they are too idiotic and terrible to find men on their own. Fuck you, girl, and fuck the dick you rode in on. Amber started walking up to confront Jubilee and I was fine with it first because you need to apologize. You were an unnecessary, rude bitch tonight and you need to apologize to her. But instead she tries to explain herself to the two of them, once again bringing up her comment from before they went on the helicopter. OKAY BITCH, DO WE NEED TO SEND YOU BACK TO LAUREN'S KINDERGARTEN CLASS SO YOU WILL LEARN WHAT SARCASM IS? Honey, honey, honey, Linda. Linda. Linda. Can you hear me Linda? Linda. Linda, are you listening yet? It was a joke. Stop taking it so seriously and if you hate all this drama then stop being a bitch and learn what a joke is, and how to take one. Amber wouldn't shut up and Ben FINALLY checked her. He basically, without offering her eye contact, said "Amber, okay bitch, now it's my turn to talk and your turn to shut that muppet mouth up and listen to what I have to say." I have the slightest feeling he wanted to take back the rose because her actions were inexcusable that night. LISTEN TO ME GETTING HEATED OVER THE FUCKING BACHELOR. DAMN.
Of course the night wasn't over without one more scoop of drama, this time from Lace. Before he gives his final little speech before he gets on for the night, she interrupts him and asks to see him. At this point he is so tired of all this bullshit and wondering what he got himself into and his reaction is basically just "what the fuck do you want now??" Bottom line is she's gone now and won't be missed. Also, Jami, one of the bitches who was on Jubilee's case was sent home and that was great. I don't think I've ever been so annoyed at a group of people this much which is why I had to write this up. This isn't going to be a regular thing but when I'm mad, I'll rant. And this made me rant. Follow my personal twitter @dlmax365 and live-tweet next Monday with me! Thanks for reading, hopefully I don't wanna cut any more of these cows next week.
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